Scary Shit in Life


I wrote during my time in Taiwan that I was at a crossroads. I didn’t really know what I wanted to do anymore. In two short years I had lost sight of why I started theatre, why I decided to put my efforts into a major that didn’t seem to be doing much for me at the time other than ringing me in with some of the latest department drama. I wanted to make art. I wanted to express myself in the only way I seemed to know how. I made the decision to stop doing shows for a year, figure myself out, find out what I wanted to do.

Honestly, thinking back that was probably the worst decision I could’ve made considering theatre. But I auditioned for the student directed One Acts and it was, for the first time in a long time, when I felt good in a show. I kind of remembered why I was going into theatre. I also saw The Hunchback of Notre Dame and that was an amazing piece of theatre that I wish I could see again, but alas. That also rekindled my love for theatre. I saw that production and thought, “this is what I want to be part of”.

At the same time, I’m still probably going to take most of next semester off. People keep telling me that I shouldn’t slow down my momentum. That I should just keep going and I keep telling them that I want to make sure I’m making a good investment. Going to university is expensive in the US. Most of the people I know have pulled out large amounts of loans to pay for their tuition and have a hard time paying it back with good, “practical” jobs. I can only imagine what that’ll be like for me. An Asian-American actress. I still have my sights on it, but  I think I want to still try different things first. University, I feel, is like moving the relationship from “dating” to “serious”. It’s a lot of dedication, money, and love. So before I decide to get serious with university, I kind of want to try my hand at a myriad of other things.

I’m planning on working on my creative skills during the next semester. I want to fully write my novels. I want to work more on my artwork and I want to act while also being able to dedicate my time fully to my acting.

My biggest fear? That it’ll turn into nothing. What if I finish my novel and revise it and get it beta read and query it only to get rejected time and time again? What if I work on my art and it doesn’t reap the benefits like I expected it to? What if I dedicate myself more to my acting and I end up running in circles? What if–in the end–I do have to settle for an office job because I don’t feel the “spark” I used to with art and creativity? That last one is probably the most hyperbolic thing I could think of, but still what if?

I don’t know. Does anyone know? I don’t think so. I think everyone goes in this life trying their best to make it work and for some it works better and for others it doesn’t. For some, they work harder, the others don’t. But we never know the outcome. “Life is like a box of chocolates…” right?

It’s scary. I don’t know how I don’t break down mentally when I think about it. Honestly I don’t know how I do half the shit I do in my life. I just know I’m trying my best and, for the most part, put my best foot forward.

I know I want to live my life saying that I tried.

That no matter what happens, whether I end up on that silver screen or that Broadway stage or whether I end up behind a computer for twelve hours straight, I’ll know that I tried. I’ll know that I gave a good attempt. And hey, even if it doesn’t pay the bills I can still do it. I find that I live my life in a plethoras of solutions. If it doesn’t work, I learn and try again. If it looks like it isn’t working, what can I do to make it better?

Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes I feel like I’m going nowhere. Other times I feel like I can conquer the world. Life is weird.


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